chapped lips paper cuts and pinking shears

the eyes in my head feel like dirty fingernails and sticky with glue ruining that last bit of craft with the delirium and carelessness of neglectful hand washing.  you could say i'm tired.  but if you said that you'd never be quiet.  My brain told me to walk the dog for her potty, and I wound up in a car that isn't mine in the Super America parking lot.  no dog.  Better get snacks.

pajamas.....somewhere.

Hot Hot Hot

I woke up at 3:30am damp and scared.  I must have had a nightmare because my heart was racing and my jaw was tense from clenching.  I don't remember the nightmare, but I do remember dreaming about Nick tricking me into tasting a pickle pizza.  There was no need for deception since I told him in real life that I believed him that a pickle pizza was tasty and I would try it willingly.

But I was also damp.  Sweaty.  And I know why...It's because my apartment is Equator hot.  I'm living in a prominence with a fireplace inside a small Italian kitchen.  It's satanically hot.  There are old timey radiators in every room that have a knob to control the temp, but whether its barely touched or cranked to 11, it's the same.  African planes suffocatingly angry hot.  I'm going to die of hyperthermia.  But it's OK.  At least I'm not cold.

I can't breathe.

Vroooom!!

I really dislike my car.  It's a little 1994 beige manual Geo Prism, and I definitely got what I paid for.  I don't recall the amount exactly, but the price was scarily low.  I know I have put a few thousand dollars in it for repairs.  I'm afraid of it, and I don't trust it.  It constantly makes scary noises, and when I get that fixed, it immediately starts a new noise.  It overheats all the time, the battery randomly gets disconnected, the tires are bald, and sometimes the little shit just doesn't start at all.  I don't feel safe in it at any time I'm driving.  I mainly drive it to work 3 miles away, and for the entire drive I'm tense, nervous and hoping I don't get stuck on the side of the road AGAIN, or die in a car fire from the damn thing exploding.

My dream is to have a worry free car that I feel safe in.  I'm not a car person, I know very little about how they work, and I certainly don't care about looks or models, but I haven't had a car that I have trusted in 13 years.

and that was Shads.

My 2nd car, a white manual 1996 Dodge Shadow ES.  I loved that car.  I got it with an insurance claim after a giant SUV slammed into my Cougar the day I graduated.  That car was my best friend.  I taught myself to drive stick on it, it had a boss stereo and sound, and we went everywhere together.  It was a healthy, fast, cute and fun car.  I wasn't afraid of expressways or driving long distances because I trusted it.  Those two things I just can't do now because I have no idea what my jerk car is going to do or if it will break at any given moment.

I'm just tired of of having anxiety every time I get behind the wheel.  I'm tired of spending money on a vehicle that isn't worth it.  I'm tired of worrying about a new noise every week. I'm sick of only being able to use my brights.  I'm tired of having a broken stereo!  It's the worst feeling in the world when you have to hold back tears just thinking of the drive to work.  Even though I have a car I feel like I have less independence because I'm afraid to go anywhere.
I want a carefree leisurely drive with a car that's my buddy again.

As it is, my sad little lemon isn't even worth as much as it's bumper stickers.

This is what my Shads looked like.  A nice sturdy little guy.  But one day I took it in for an oil change, and within the week he just....stopped.  Would't even start.  It's still a mystery to me and to all who had looked at it.  It was the beginning of the end.  I am doomed to a life of shitty cars and driving anxiety.  You think I'd be used to disappointment by now.

20 Random Facts About Me

I have been neglecting this little space of mine, and I would like to try to pay it a bit more attention.

Here is some Maria information.

1. I really want to quit smoking but I am scared.
2. my favorite colors are grey, black, white, orange and glitter.
3. I am a feminist.
4. yet I wish the world to be packed with gay men.
5. crying babies and children make me very angry.
6. I am a vegetarian and animal rights activist.
7. my goal is to be an extremely successful and accomplished dog handler/trainer.
8. I am very sensitive and my feelings get hurt very easily.
9. I sleep only in short increments.  maybe only 2 hours at a time.  I hate it.
10. I adore hot hot weather.  the hotter, the better.
11. i easily get dangerously addicted to reality t.v.
12. my favorite movies are documentaries and horror.
13. my favorite food is popcorn.  I can always eat it.  I am always in the mood for it.
14. I sing like an amputee.  can't hold a note.  can't carry a tune.  but i do it anyway.
15. I have broken every rule I had made for myself about being in a relationship.  it was the best thing I have ever done.
16. One of my plants is dying or dead, and I am very sad and emotional about it.  like, a lot.
17. I have to actively try very hard to avoid severe depression in the winter.
18. I cannot drink caffeine and haven't for 10 years.
19. I am allergic to strawberries.
20. I am 18 years older than my youngest sister.

the list has to stop at 20 otherwise it would never end and you find out way more than you ever wanted to know about me.  trust.

pajamas on.  pajamas out.

Hey, Mister!

NO Dummies Allowed

Women, i cannot stress this enough: Get smarter!

We live in an age of information where almost everybody can access the Internet from their phone.  Even if it weren't that easy for everyone, most people have computers in their homes, or friends and relatives homes.  And if that's not available, libraries are everywhere and not only do they have computer, but they have books!  And if that's too hard to get to, you will undoubtedly be able to get your hands on a newspaper or dictionary, encyclopedia, thesaurus, anything with input, information and facts!  Doctors, scientists, teachers, librarians can help and answer questions, too.  Never be afraid to ask and question any and everything that's on your mind.

If you are interested in something, anything, I don't care what it is, look it up.  Read more, learn about it, ask questions, and love research. Animals, fashion, beans, pregnancy, germs, math, butts, lipstick; it's all out there!

Being stupid isn't cute, and it's dangerous.  If you have a question about something, it's so easy to find an informed answer.  Don't take everything for face value, dig in and find out all answers and options for yourself.  There is no excuse for ignorance anymore.

Females, it will only help us to constantly be bettering ourselves.  Get out there and question everything and never stop learning.  Know it all!

I'm far from perfect, I'm far from being the best I can be, but I'm trying.  I will learn and ask my questions til I die.

and then....

today i found myself wondering what the people i know, and people i have known think of me.  not like, if they think i'm cool or smart, or funny.  more like if i have ever helped them with a problem or situation or decision they had.  if i have ever said something that they had listened to.

one thing i know about people is that they prefer not to listen, but to talk.  if i begin to talk about my day, or my life,  or my thoughts, i can feel the company i'm with shut down.  they light up at their turn to go on about themselves, (not an insult, just something i have observed) and listen when their situation is commented upon.

so with this i have learned to say little about myself, and ask about my company often, allowing them to focus on their life.  i listen carefully, and try to thoughtfully answer.

i wonder if they hear me.  i wonder if they ever think of me and the comments i have made about what they tell me.

for some reason it would make me happy if i had any sort of impact on someone, more than if they even knew who i was.