Oh baby, it's dark out there! but oh baby, it's dark in here...

I'm not about to pretend i understand it, but somehow, i am in a relationship.  with a boy.  my boyfriend.  a cool dude who has his shit together (relatively. we can't all be Danzig.)  actually enjoys my company.

After a large drink last night, i took some personal inventory and realized just how lucky i am that this man puts up with my "quirks".  Cuz if i were single, this is what i would have to offer:

- poor self image.  dudes love to hear that i am feeling puffy, fat, and look like a boy with no makeup.  I can't take a compliment, and will spend hours online comparing cosmetic surgery prices.  Does my butt look ok in these pants?  I wish my lips were bigger.  I'm awful.

- obsession with dogs/animals.  Aw look at my dog!  isn't she hilarious?!  You can't pet my cat cuz she bites.  Telling them about all the dogs i work with and how they have terrible owners who don't know what they're doing.  I would do it this way.... Asking them to go to the Humane Society with me.  Just to look.  Leave in tears.  Forcing dude to watch endangered squid documentaries.  "This is what's wrong with our society!  Look at how we treat animals!"  You have to vote on this to get puppy mills banned!  over and over and on and on...

- Can I paint yr toenails?

- I will not drive on highways.  NO.  I will NOT do it.  I'm scared.

- unhealthy relationship with Mommy.  I love Mommy!  I cannot answer Mothers calls today.  I miss my mom.  I can't DEAL with her!

- Diet of a child aka laziest/worst vegetarian ever.  Cheese pizza.  pasghettios.  candy!  macaroni.  cereal. candy!  vegetables are icky.  no onions.  I'm allergic to strawberries.  candy!  gatorade.  beer.  are there strawberries in this?  i think I'm swelling up.  popcorn.  candy!  tomatoes are yuck.  will you bring me starbursts?

- I'm clingy.

Nicky, yr a gem.  I don't know how you put up with me, but don't think i don't appreciate it.  I'm a lucky girl.  You deserve a medal.  or a degree in working with the mentally unstable.

Hello Kitty jammies on.

Falling out of sleep i hit the floor.

i am able to pass out anywhere.  i can fall asleep on command.  Christmas morning, at Mothers house, after going potty about 3am, i fell asleep washing my hands.  I rarely wash my hands.  i talk in my sleep, walk, smoke,  I've eaten.   i once got myself into a coma in my sleep and woke up the hospital.  terrible.  terror.  
The newest phase i am going thru is sitting up in my sleep and staying that way.
As if i am sitting up from a bad dream, but after i acknowledge that it was a dream, and i am relatively safe, i stay sitting up as i drift again.  Wake up a few hours later with a stiff neck wondering how i got that way.  how DID i get this way?  how did any of us get this way?  i have to get away.
I stay in my pajamas as long as i am able to.  i work overnights to allow me to stay jammied.  having no shame allows me to shop in my bathrobe, walk the dog in over sized Jesus and Mary Chain t shirts and hot pants.  Slippers and sweatpants to the bank?  no duh.
i keep a pillow in my car for spontaneous naps.  nap with me.  cuddle up.

the legend of the leg pillow.

i need to "let it all out" in the worst way.  thing is, i don't know where to.  i can't just scream in my apartment.  it's an apartment.  someone will call the cops.  and screaming into the pillow doesn't work.  i need the satisfaction of the sound, the shriek the wail howl cry.  the pillow.  that's one of my friends.  not about to yell at it.

you know, i can't even finish writing this.  i'm so tired of it all.  even my fingers are weak.

found image

can't complain?

I don't know how i'm doing it right now.  I feel like i'm swaying between two worlds with my eyes half shut and deaf in one ear.  images are blurred and like a kittens still blue baby eye, and some are sharp and harsh and burned into my head like starring into headlights on bright from the rear view mirror.  sounds are through ear plugs standing in front of the speakers at the Bombshelter.  some are tiny weak whispers from myself before i fall asleep.  My mental illness has me so confused these past couple weeks.  I'm going thru my first flu of the year.  it's typical for me to get sick quite a bit every winter.  since i was little.  I keep getting hurt, mostly from a very physical job.  so pains come and go, i get ill, i've always had headaches, and we can't forget the winter maladies.

I'm in a relationship that makes me very happy.  "very happy"  sounds so awful generic to describe it.  it's everything i could ask for.  i think that's why my brain is so confusing right now.  The blessed place i am in with this love is taking my mind off my usual, still present pain.  it's still there, there's no doubt, i feel like i'm ignoring the crazy.  is that right?  Am i so used to feeling fucked up that i think me being happy is bad for not dealing with the bad?  is this ok?  can the two exist?  it's so new i don't know what i'm doing, if i'm doing it wrong.

my head is just at the surface, my eyes are above the water, but it's getting in my ears.

jammies back on after work.  night night.

Pajamas Off.

It's 7° outside, I have to go potty, the dog has to go potty.  I have to leave for work in 10 minutes.  I need a toothbrush, I need Prince on the stereo.  I need to take my medicine, put on pants.  All the terrors of waking up in the morning.  Hit snooze.  My brain is racing with all this shit we all gotta do everyday.  I make the slightest move to start my day...and in his sleep, boyfriend holds on to me tighter.  How am I expected to deal with anything when that happens??  The world is a cold cruel place when yr in love.
With all the awful on this planet, you'd think there could be a little more accommodation for happy.  The little things. How perfect would it be if on a morning like I mentioned, I could call up to work and say that i was going to be an hour late because i simply need more snuggle time.  And they'd be cool with it.  "Yeah no problem, I totally understand.  I was late yesterday because my cat was just too cute.  See you when you get here."  Awesome.

Pajamas on:
Pink hotpants with blue polka-dots.
White tank top with blue iron on FUCK.
Pink leopard print bathrobe.
Let's all go back to bed.
Pajamas On.

i never married but...

These would look perfect on my pretty pale mangled fingers.

icy. bold. organic. etsy.

Because i said punk rock.  it takes all kinds of brides.  I'd see you thru shining eyes til death.

With the Goblin King as Ring Bearer, you've made it thru the Labyrinth of my ♥.

This.  THIS.  with a black pearl.  a prize from a tongue, from a shell, from the bottom of the ocean.  And  I'm in love with a Cancer.  He's got me in his pinchers.

This came from my 1990's play list today.  Specifically Dramarama, Anything Anything.


I'll give you candy, give you diamonds, give you pills,
Give you anything you want, hundred dollar bills,
I'll even let you watch the shows you want to see,
Just marry me, marry me, marry me...

*pics from etsy livelyHood, Leviticus jewelry, Pamela Love




Remind me to talk more about this later.

Pajamas On.