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It was pointed out to me that my birthday is in less than a month.  It's not even on my radar, it still feels like it's many months from now.  So far this one doesn't have any beginnings of a depressing vibe, so I think I'll have a little fun with it.  There is really nothing that I need, I have my amazing husband who makes me crazy happy, my naughty kitty and greedy doggy, and a great family that all have been really wonderful to me.  I'm set!
But wants are fun.  Here is my daydream birthday wishlist in a frivolously perfect world:

- A slick pair of T.U.K. Mondo Creepers in size 9.  While I'm at it, here is my shoe Pintrest.  Any of these would be just fine.  http://pinterest.com/trazadone/shoes/

- A matching set of this white collar and matching leash for Boppy and me. (Bop and I have the same birthday.  My baby is going to be 10ish!  wow.)

- I am always and forever wanting new tattoos and have endless plans and ideas.  This is one of them:

- A new Klick Klack with underneath storage.

- A new bedroom.

The mirrored furniture from Pier One has always been my ideal dream set.  This is the Jewelry Armoire:

- A fat gift card to Michaels would make me very happy. 

- I'll take rhinoplasty, a boob lift, and my stretch marks erased, please.

- A big ol' gift card to Sephora.

- Patrick Nagel & Dennis Mukai framed prints.  I've had my eye on these girls:

- Fancy clothes, including the perfect pair of lace pants, perfect linen pants and general badass bizarre Maria style.  

- Between 6 and 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep would be heaven.

- I want to adopt a small young dog.  Preferably a mutt, male between 5 and 30 lbs.

 

That's actually what I want the most.  I want to rescue a young little boy dog to join our family.  I know it's not the best idea for a 1 bedroom apartment that's already occupied by a full grown husband, Siberian Husky, deranged cat, and me.  But this is a fantastical wishlist, and I wish for a little friend to love and cuddle me, and to be the best mom and home possible to the little guy.  

I want a small dog.  I want one so bad.  Just a little one.  To have forever.

OK that's my list.  It's just for fun.  For pretend.  I have pink Pajamas with the turtles on them and a Ween shirt.  Time for a nap.

pajamasout.

Dear Neighbor,

If you spent as much time on your lonely, neglected dog as you do on your love life, he wouldn't be such a neurotic, anxious mess.  You destroyed his confidence, energy and personality, most likely damaged for life.

You are disgusting.

SINCERELY,
Neighbor

P.S.
you call yourself a dog trainer?  You bring shame to the honor and make the rest look stupid.
I dislike you immensely.

Stumble in somnambulance so pre-dawn corpses come to life

I don't get a lot of sleep.  Because of my job i have been conditioned to sleep in unfulfilled 2 hour spurts, waking up at the slightest stirring. I'm constantly tired and many days i am delirious, which as a child my mother defined as "you're so tired that you've turned silly."

I have many obstacles in my way of sleep, but one that notably bothers me is that i hate my bedroom.  I hated my bedroom of the previous 7 years, and i hate the one i have now.  It's small, which normally i could deal with but when husband, then boyfriend, moved in it made it all that much more cramped, cluttered, tiny and full of gross boy stuff (i swear his *socks make me want to choke and die a thousand deaths).  There isn't a curtain in there and early in the relationship Nicky was trying to teach me to be more fiscally responsible and to only purchase necessities.  He talked me out of buying curtains and instead tacked up an old blanky that i already disliked in the first place, and now the room gives off a hillbilly trying to keep the sun out of his NASCAR-meth-porn-Dave Matthews den.

I hate it all.  I need a grown up bedroom that i love and want to be in that is my sanctuary.  I need it for my sleep and sanity.  I need it for an escape from the constant pet hair in my life.  I keep the door closed because i need at least one tiny itty bitty space where i am not suffocating forever on fur.  Fur that is another blog for another time.

I have a vision.  I don't know and kind of doubt if this vision will ever be accomplished, but i do have a daydream bedroom.  A luxurious and dark goth bedroom of velvets, crushed and otherwise, lace, and some type of slippery satiny material  that's soothing to touch.  I see many candles, soft lighting and mirrors, not the harsh ugly overhead light with the switch that Nick actually prefers.  Yuck. I envision plush bedding and many pillows to comfort me and prop me up as i read my rock n roll biographies to pull me to sleep.  I see a vanity with a mirror and bench for my fancy perfumes and cosmetics.  All this in blacks, charcoals, carmine, burgundy, lacy whites, metallics, animal print, celestial, art and fantasy.

And everything will have a place.  No more stacks, piles, bags and clutter.  Organization.  Harmony.

Nick was amazing enough to help me start this.  In the past couple days we have cleaned out our dressers, piles and closets. Getting rid of clothes we don't wear, like or that no longer fit.  6 garbage bags of crap we got rid of.  It felt incredible.  Nick can use his dresser properly now and the closet rods are no longer in danger of crashing to the ground.  Next will be clearing out "things".  Stuff in boxes, papers, miscellany.  I can't wait.

Mother is also in strong favor of getting the bedrooms act together and has offered to make me curtains and we're going to go material shopping after my surgery.  Very lovely of her to volunteer.

Little by little and over time I hope it gets better and closer to something that I don't despise and actually feel comfort and achieve sleep in.  It's not right that i have not slept in my own bed with my husband for many many months.  It just plain sucks.

Mother of mercy, I am so tired.

Pajamas on...






*a word i can't even say without gagging.

chapped lips paper cuts and pinking shears

the eyes in my head feel like dirty fingernails and sticky with glue ruining that last bit of craft with the delirium and carelessness of neglectful hand washing.  you could say i'm tired.  but if you said that you'd never be quiet.  My brain told me to walk the dog for her potty, and I wound up in a car that isn't mine in the Super America parking lot.  no dog.  Better get snacks.

pajamas.....somewhere.

Hot Hot Hot

I woke up at 3:30am damp and scared.  I must have had a nightmare because my heart was racing and my jaw was tense from clenching.  I don't remember the nightmare, but I do remember dreaming about Nick tricking me into tasting a pickle pizza.  There was no need for deception since I told him in real life that I believed him that a pickle pizza was tasty and I would try it willingly.

But I was also damp.  Sweaty.  And I know why...It's because my apartment is Equator hot.  I'm living in a prominence with a fireplace inside a small Italian kitchen.  It's satanically hot.  There are old timey radiators in every room that have a knob to control the temp, but whether its barely touched or cranked to 11, it's the same.  African planes suffocatingly angry hot.  I'm going to die of hyperthermia.  But it's OK.  At least I'm not cold.

I can't breathe.

Vroooom!!

I really dislike my car.  It's a little 1994 beige manual Geo Prism, and I definitely got what I paid for.  I don't recall the amount exactly, but the price was scarily low.  I know I have put a few thousand dollars in it for repairs.  I'm afraid of it, and I don't trust it.  It constantly makes scary noises, and when I get that fixed, it immediately starts a new noise.  It overheats all the time, the battery randomly gets disconnected, the tires are bald, and sometimes the little shit just doesn't start at all.  I don't feel safe in it at any time I'm driving.  I mainly drive it to work 3 miles away, and for the entire drive I'm tense, nervous and hoping I don't get stuck on the side of the road AGAIN, or die in a car fire from the damn thing exploding.

My dream is to have a worry free car that I feel safe in.  I'm not a car person, I know very little about how they work, and I certainly don't care about looks or models, but I haven't had a car that I have trusted in 13 years.

and that was Shads.

My 2nd car, a white manual 1996 Dodge Shadow ES.  I loved that car.  I got it with an insurance claim after a giant SUV slammed into my Cougar the day I graduated.  That car was my best friend.  I taught myself to drive stick on it, it had a boss stereo and sound, and we went everywhere together.  It was a healthy, fast, cute and fun car.  I wasn't afraid of expressways or driving long distances because I trusted it.  Those two things I just can't do now because I have no idea what my jerk car is going to do or if it will break at any given moment.

I'm just tired of of having anxiety every time I get behind the wheel.  I'm tired of spending money on a vehicle that isn't worth it.  I'm tired of worrying about a new noise every week. I'm sick of only being able to use my brights.  I'm tired of having a broken stereo!  It's the worst feeling in the world when you have to hold back tears just thinking of the drive to work.  Even though I have a car I feel like I have less independence because I'm afraid to go anywhere.
I want a carefree leisurely drive with a car that's my buddy again.

As it is, my sad little lemon isn't even worth as much as it's bumper stickers.

This is what my Shads looked like.  A nice sturdy little guy.  But one day I took it in for an oil change, and within the week he just....stopped.  Would't even start.  It's still a mystery to me and to all who had looked at it.  It was the beginning of the end.  I am doomed to a life of shitty cars and driving anxiety.  You think I'd be used to disappointment by now.

20 Random Facts About Me

I have been neglecting this little space of mine, and I would like to try to pay it a bit more attention.

Here is some Maria information.

1. I really want to quit smoking but I am scared.
2. my favorite colors are grey, black, white, orange and glitter.
3. I am a feminist.
4. yet I wish the world to be packed with gay men.
5. crying babies and children make me very angry.
6. I am a vegetarian and animal rights activist.
7. my goal is to be an extremely successful and accomplished dog handler/trainer.
8. I am very sensitive and my feelings get hurt very easily.
9. I sleep only in short increments.  maybe only 2 hours at a time.  I hate it.
10. I adore hot hot weather.  the hotter, the better.
11. i easily get dangerously addicted to reality t.v.
12. my favorite movies are documentaries and horror.
13. my favorite food is popcorn.  I can always eat it.  I am always in the mood for it.
14. I sing like an amputee.  can't hold a note.  can't carry a tune.  but i do it anyway.
15. I have broken every rule I had made for myself about being in a relationship.  it was the best thing I have ever done.
16. One of my plants is dying or dead, and I am very sad and emotional about it.  like, a lot.
17. I have to actively try very hard to avoid severe depression in the winter.
18. I cannot drink caffeine and haven't for 10 years.
19. I am allergic to strawberries.
20. I am 18 years older than my youngest sister.

the list has to stop at 20 otherwise it would never end and you find out way more than you ever wanted to know about me.  trust.

pajamas on.  pajamas out.