Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Stumble in somnambulance so pre-dawn corpses come to life
I don't get a lot of sleep. Because of my job i have been conditioned to sleep in unfulfilled 2 hour spurts, waking up at the slightest stirring. I'm constantly tired and many days i am delirious, which as a child my mother defined as "you're so tired that you've turned silly."
I have many obstacles in my way of sleep, but one that notably bothers me is that i hate my bedroom. I hated my bedroom of the previous 7 years, and i hate the one i have now. It's small, which normally i could deal with but when husband, then boyfriend, moved in it made it all that much more cramped, cluttered, tiny and full of gross boy stuff (i swear his *socks make me want to choke and die a thousand deaths). There isn't a curtain in there and early in the relationship Nicky was trying to teach me to be more fiscally responsible and to only purchase necessities. He talked me out of buying curtains and instead tacked up an old blanky that i already disliked in the first place, and now the room gives off a hillbilly trying to keep the sun out of his NASCAR-meth-porn-Dave Matthews den.
I hate it all. I need a grown up bedroom that i love and want to be in that is my sanctuary. I need it for my sleep and sanity. I need it for an escape from the constant pet hair in my life. I keep the door closed because i need at least one tiny itty bitty space where i am not suffocating forever on fur. Fur that is another blog for another time.
I have a vision. I don't know and kind of doubt if this vision will ever be accomplished, but i do have a daydream bedroom. A luxurious and dark goth bedroom of velvets, crushed and otherwise, lace, and some type of slippery satiny material that's soothing to touch. I see many candles, soft lighting and mirrors, not the harsh ugly overhead light with the switch that Nick actually prefers. Yuck. I envision plush bedding and many pillows to comfort me and prop me up as i read my rock n roll biographies to pull me to sleep. I see a vanity with a mirror and bench for my fancy perfumes and cosmetics. All this in blacks, charcoals, carmine, burgundy, lacy whites, metallics, animal print, celestial, art and fantasy.
And everything will have a place. No more stacks, piles, bags and clutter. Organization. Harmony.
Nick was amazing enough to help me start this. In the past couple days we have cleaned out our dressers, piles and closets. Getting rid of clothes we don't wear, like or that no longer fit. 6 garbage bags of crap we got rid of. It felt incredible. Nick can use his dresser properly now and the closet rods are no longer in danger of crashing to the ground. Next will be clearing out "things". Stuff in boxes, papers, miscellany. I can't wait.
Mother is also in strong favor of getting the bedrooms act together and has offered to make me curtains and we're going to go material shopping after my surgery. Very lovely of her to volunteer.
Little by little and over time I hope it gets better and closer to something that I don't despise and actually feel comfort and achieve sleep in. It's not right that i have not slept in my own bed with my husband for many many months. It just plain sucks.
Mother of mercy, I am so tired.
*a word i can't even say without gagging.