chapped lips paper cuts and pinking shears

the eyes in my head feel like dirty fingernails and sticky with glue ruining that last bit of craft with the delirium and carelessness of neglectful hand washing.  you could say i'm tired.  but if you said that you'd never be quiet.  My brain told me to walk the dog for her potty, and I wound up in a car that isn't mine in the Super America parking lot.  no dog.  Better get snacks.

pajamas.....somewhere.

Hot Hot Hot

I woke up at 3:30am damp and scared.  I must have had a nightmare because my heart was racing and my jaw was tense from clenching.  I don't remember the nightmare, but I do remember dreaming about Nick tricking me into tasting a pickle pizza.  There was no need for deception since I told him in real life that I believed him that a pickle pizza was tasty and I would try it willingly.

But I was also damp.  Sweaty.  And I know why...It's because my apartment is Equator hot.  I'm living in a prominence with a fireplace inside a small Italian kitchen.  It's satanically hot.  There are old timey radiators in every room that have a knob to control the temp, but whether its barely touched or cranked to 11, it's the same.  African planes suffocatingly angry hot.  I'm going to die of hyperthermia.  But it's OK.  At least I'm not cold.

I can't breathe.

Vroooom!!

I really dislike my car.  It's a little 1994 beige manual Geo Prism, and I definitely got what I paid for.  I don't recall the amount exactly, but the price was scarily low.  I know I have put a few thousand dollars in it for repairs.  I'm afraid of it, and I don't trust it.  It constantly makes scary noises, and when I get that fixed, it immediately starts a new noise.  It overheats all the time, the battery randomly gets disconnected, the tires are bald, and sometimes the little shit just doesn't start at all.  I don't feel safe in it at any time I'm driving.  I mainly drive it to work 3 miles away, and for the entire drive I'm tense, nervous and hoping I don't get stuck on the side of the road AGAIN, or die in a car fire from the damn thing exploding.

My dream is to have a worry free car that I feel safe in.  I'm not a car person, I know very little about how they work, and I certainly don't care about looks or models, but I haven't had a car that I have trusted in 13 years.

and that was Shads.

My 2nd car, a white manual 1996 Dodge Shadow ES.  I loved that car.  I got it with an insurance claim after a giant SUV slammed into my Cougar the day I graduated.  That car was my best friend.  I taught myself to drive stick on it, it had a boss stereo and sound, and we went everywhere together.  It was a healthy, fast, cute and fun car.  I wasn't afraid of expressways or driving long distances because I trusted it.  Those two things I just can't do now because I have no idea what my jerk car is going to do or if it will break at any given moment.

I'm just tired of of having anxiety every time I get behind the wheel.  I'm tired of spending money on a vehicle that isn't worth it.  I'm tired of worrying about a new noise every week. I'm sick of only being able to use my brights.  I'm tired of having a broken stereo!  It's the worst feeling in the world when you have to hold back tears just thinking of the drive to work.  Even though I have a car I feel like I have less independence because I'm afraid to go anywhere.
I want a carefree leisurely drive with a car that's my buddy again.

As it is, my sad little lemon isn't even worth as much as it's bumper stickers.

This is what my Shads looked like.  A nice sturdy little guy.  But one day I took it in for an oil change, and within the week he just....stopped.  Would't even start.  It's still a mystery to me and to all who had looked at it.  It was the beginning of the end.  I am doomed to a life of shitty cars and driving anxiety.  You think I'd be used to disappointment by now.

20 Random Facts About Me

I have been neglecting this little space of mine, and I would like to try to pay it a bit more attention.

Here is some Maria information.

1. I really want to quit smoking but I am scared.
2. my favorite colors are grey, black, white, orange and glitter.
3. I am a feminist.
4. yet I wish the world to be packed with gay men.
5. crying babies and children make me very angry.
6. I am a vegetarian and animal rights activist.
7. my goal is to be an extremely successful and accomplished dog handler/trainer.
8. I am very sensitive and my feelings get hurt very easily.
9. I sleep only in short increments.  maybe only 2 hours at a time.  I hate it.
10. I adore hot hot weather.  the hotter, the better.
11. i easily get dangerously addicted to reality t.v.
12. my favorite movies are documentaries and horror.
13. my favorite food is popcorn.  I can always eat it.  I am always in the mood for it.
14. I sing like an amputee.  can't hold a note.  can't carry a tune.  but i do it anyway.
15. I have broken every rule I had made for myself about being in a relationship.  it was the best thing I have ever done.
16. One of my plants is dying or dead, and I am very sad and emotional about it.  like, a lot.
17. I have to actively try very hard to avoid severe depression in the winter.
18. I cannot drink caffeine and haven't for 10 years.
19. I am allergic to strawberries.
20. I am 18 years older than my youngest sister.

the list has to stop at 20 otherwise it would never end and you find out way more than you ever wanted to know about me.  trust.

pajamas on.  pajamas out.

Hey, Mister!

NO Dummies Allowed

Women, i cannot stress this enough: Get smarter!

We live in an age of information where almost everybody can access the Internet from their phone.  Even if it weren't that easy for everyone, most people have computers in their homes, or friends and relatives homes.  And if that's not available, libraries are everywhere and not only do they have computer, but they have books!  And if that's too hard to get to, you will undoubtedly be able to get your hands on a newspaper or dictionary, encyclopedia, thesaurus, anything with input, information and facts!  Doctors, scientists, teachers, librarians can help and answer questions, too.  Never be afraid to ask and question any and everything that's on your mind.

If you are interested in something, anything, I don't care what it is, look it up.  Read more, learn about it, ask questions, and love research. Animals, fashion, beans, pregnancy, germs, math, butts, lipstick; it's all out there!

Being stupid isn't cute, and it's dangerous.  If you have a question about something, it's so easy to find an informed answer.  Don't take everything for face value, dig in and find out all answers and options for yourself.  There is no excuse for ignorance anymore.

Females, it will only help us to constantly be bettering ourselves.  Get out there and question everything and never stop learning.  Know it all!

I'm far from perfect, I'm far from being the best I can be, but I'm trying.  I will learn and ask my questions til I die.

and then....

today i found myself wondering what the people i know, and people i have known think of me.  not like, if they think i'm cool or smart, or funny.  more like if i have ever helped them with a problem or situation or decision they had.  if i have ever said something that they had listened to.

one thing i know about people is that they prefer not to listen, but to talk.  if i begin to talk about my day, or my life,  or my thoughts, i can feel the company i'm with shut down.  they light up at their turn to go on about themselves, (not an insult, just something i have observed) and listen when their situation is commented upon.

so with this i have learned to say little about myself, and ask about my company often, allowing them to focus on their life.  i listen carefully, and try to thoughtfully answer.

i wonder if they hear me.  i wonder if they ever think of me and the comments i have made about what they tell me.

for some reason it would make me happy if i had any sort of impact on someone, more than if they even knew who i was.

Wedding!

Home is whenever I'm with you.

I.  Am.  Getting.......MARRIED!  omgomgomg i can't breathe!  there is so much to say, but i'm in such a spazz that it will have to wait...i gotta go be busy smiling!

i love him.

People Never Notice Anything.

When i got home from work this morning I went to make my scheduled potty, and for some reason i cannot think of now i was thinking about the Catcher In The Rye and all the old timey words that Holden Caulfield used.  Lousy, phony, crummy.  Crummy.  I kept thinking of the work crummy over and over and lost it.  I can't believe i didn't wake the boy up from how hard i was laughing.  I don't know why.  it's a stupid word.  but now i just love it.  Crummy.
Crummy tummy.  Silly crummy.  Crummy puppy.
Yesterday was really crummy with a lot of disappointment.  i hope today is better.  Hopes aren't high.

i like that this pic popped up when i did an image search for Crummy.  they're cute, but yeah, totally crummy.
Plastic dump truck infant is fun.

She's done with Sergio

To the tune of Jane's Addiction "Jane Says":

Bop Says

Bop says

I'm done with Pedigree

It gives me tummy aches

She hides

Her metal food dish

Says I don't want that kibble

But when mom feeds me again

Tell her I want some Beggin' Strips

or just

a Milkbone if she has one

Just some Milkbones if she has some

Bop says

Can you take my collar off?

I feel naked without it

She knows

it's time to take a walk

But that's ok man

Gotta go potty anyway

Bop says

I'm going to the park

When I get my poop bags saved

I'm gonna start tomorrow

I'll have to poop tomorrow

Gonna poop tomorrow

She gets mad

And she starts to bark

She wants to go

To the dogpark!

She don't mean no harm

She's just a dog

She can't drive a car

Bop gets

Fed at night at 8

She spins around in circles

She waits

And gets her dinner then

She licks the crumbs

Up off the floor

Bop says

I've always been in love 

I know just what it is

It's anyone who'll pet her

I wonder if they have treats

I want them if they have treats

She gets mad

And she starts to bark

She wants to go

To the dogpark!

She don't mean no harm

She's just a dog

She can't drive a car

Bop says

Bop says

That's what happens in my spare time.  My pets have starred in many hits.

I will NEVER go your way.

No.  NO!  Curse my love for 90's pop culture, because of this, i don't want to live anymore.  Hammer in the last nail, cuz the sweet silence of a dirt nap is better than what's crashing around in my head right now.  Tom Cochrane's Life Is A Highway is on repeat in my head. *shudder*

It was a dark time for 1991 when this piece came on to the scene.  I HATE Tom Cochrane.  Hate.  I hate his scratchy Canadian rock-but-sensitive vocals.  I hate his puffy face and dusty coconut stubble.  His blowin' in the wind haircut and standard musician leather jacket with light denim made me punch my own butt.  Useless.  Boring.  Superfluous.

Can we talk about the video?  The bloated goat huffing into a harmonica looking all smug at the beginning?  You just know it's gonna be one cliche after another.  The tan color scheme.  Wheat field, deserted gas station manned by the pedo.  Young couple having "good times" rebelling and in love.  Ripped jeans.  A convertible.    Vomit in my own jammies.  Why are you casually waving to a Native American standing in front of white nuns?  Is that middle America?  What are you getting at?  You just happened to have yr guitar up in those rocks and you just have to JAM, man!  Gross.

It's all just so predictable and boring!  it's so beige and weak.  It's dad music.  it's the khaki soundtrack.  It's everything i hate.  and it's stuck in my head.  So i take my head and flush it down the toilet.  I can't have this puke rattling around in my skull, it's ruining my day.  But it's still not as bad as Coldplay.

Now i got my jammies all in a snit.  shit.

Oh baby, it's dark out there! but oh baby, it's dark in here...

I'm not about to pretend i understand it, but somehow, i am in a relationship.  with a boy.  my boyfriend.  a cool dude who has his shit together (relatively. we can't all be Danzig.)  actually enjoys my company.

After a large drink last night, i took some personal inventory and realized just how lucky i am that this man puts up with my "quirks".  Cuz if i were single, this is what i would have to offer:

- poor self image.  dudes love to hear that i am feeling puffy, fat, and look like a boy with no makeup.  I can't take a compliment, and will spend hours online comparing cosmetic surgery prices.  Does my butt look ok in these pants?  I wish my lips were bigger.  I'm awful.

- obsession with dogs/animals.  Aw look at my dog!  isn't she hilarious?!  You can't pet my cat cuz she bites.  Telling them about all the dogs i work with and how they have terrible owners who don't know what they're doing.  I would do it this way.... Asking them to go to the Humane Society with me.  Just to look.  Leave in tears.  Forcing dude to watch endangered squid documentaries.  "This is what's wrong with our society!  Look at how we treat animals!"  You have to vote on this to get puppy mills banned!  over and over and on and on...

- Can I paint yr toenails?

- I will not drive on highways.  NO.  I will NOT do it.  I'm scared.

- unhealthy relationship with Mommy.  I love Mommy!  I cannot answer Mothers calls today.  I miss my mom.  I can't DEAL with her!

- Diet of a child aka laziest/worst vegetarian ever.  Cheese pizza.  pasghettios.  candy!  macaroni.  cereal. candy!  vegetables are icky.  no onions.  I'm allergic to strawberries.  candy!  gatorade.  beer.  are there strawberries in this?  i think I'm swelling up.  popcorn.  candy!  tomatoes are yuck.  will you bring me starbursts?

- I'm clingy.

Nicky, yr a gem.  I don't know how you put up with me, but don't think i don't appreciate it.  I'm a lucky girl.  You deserve a medal.  or a degree in working with the mentally unstable.

Hello Kitty jammies on.

Falling out of sleep i hit the floor.

i am able to pass out anywhere.  i can fall asleep on command.  Christmas morning, at Mothers house, after going potty about 3am, i fell asleep washing my hands.  I rarely wash my hands.  i talk in my sleep, walk, smoke,  I've eaten.   i once got myself into a coma in my sleep and woke up the hospital.  terrible.  terror.  
The newest phase i am going thru is sitting up in my sleep and staying that way.
As if i am sitting up from a bad dream, but after i acknowledge that it was a dream, and i am relatively safe, i stay sitting up as i drift again.  Wake up a few hours later with a stiff neck wondering how i got that way.  how DID i get this way?  how did any of us get this way?  i have to get away.
I stay in my pajamas as long as i am able to.  i work overnights to allow me to stay jammied.  having no shame allows me to shop in my bathrobe, walk the dog in over sized Jesus and Mary Chain t shirts and hot pants.  Slippers and sweatpants to the bank?  no duh.
i keep a pillow in my car for spontaneous naps.  nap with me.  cuddle up.

the legend of the leg pillow.

i need to "let it all out" in the worst way.  thing is, i don't know where to.  i can't just scream in my apartment.  it's an apartment.  someone will call the cops.  and screaming into the pillow doesn't work.  i need the satisfaction of the sound, the shriek the wail howl cry.  the pillow.  that's one of my friends.  not about to yell at it.

you know, i can't even finish writing this.  i'm so tired of it all.  even my fingers are weak.

found image

can't complain?

I don't know how i'm doing it right now.  I feel like i'm swaying between two worlds with my eyes half shut and deaf in one ear.  images are blurred and like a kittens still blue baby eye, and some are sharp and harsh and burned into my head like starring into headlights on bright from the rear view mirror.  sounds are through ear plugs standing in front of the speakers at the Bombshelter.  some are tiny weak whispers from myself before i fall asleep.  My mental illness has me so confused these past couple weeks.  I'm going thru my first flu of the year.  it's typical for me to get sick quite a bit every winter.  since i was little.  I keep getting hurt, mostly from a very physical job.  so pains come and go, i get ill, i've always had headaches, and we can't forget the winter maladies.

I'm in a relationship that makes me very happy.  "very happy"  sounds so awful generic to describe it.  it's everything i could ask for.  i think that's why my brain is so confusing right now.  The blessed place i am in with this love is taking my mind off my usual, still present pain.  it's still there, there's no doubt, i feel like i'm ignoring the crazy.  is that right?  Am i so used to feeling fucked up that i think me being happy is bad for not dealing with the bad?  is this ok?  can the two exist?  it's so new i don't know what i'm doing, if i'm doing it wrong.

my head is just at the surface, my eyes are above the water, but it's getting in my ears.

jammies back on after work.  night night.

Pajamas Off.

It's 7° outside, I have to go potty, the dog has to go potty.  I have to leave for work in 10 minutes.  I need a toothbrush, I need Prince on the stereo.  I need to take my medicine, put on pants.  All the terrors of waking up in the morning.  Hit snooze.  My brain is racing with all this shit we all gotta do everyday.  I make the slightest move to start my day...and in his sleep, boyfriend holds on to me tighter.  How am I expected to deal with anything when that happens??  The world is a cold cruel place when yr in love.
With all the awful on this planet, you'd think there could be a little more accommodation for happy.  The little things. How perfect would it be if on a morning like I mentioned, I could call up to work and say that i was going to be an hour late because i simply need more snuggle time.  And they'd be cool with it.  "Yeah no problem, I totally understand.  I was late yesterday because my cat was just too cute.  See you when you get here."  Awesome.

Pajamas on:
Pink hotpants with blue polka-dots.
White tank top with blue iron on FUCK.
Pink leopard print bathrobe.
Let's all go back to bed.
Pajamas On.

i never married but...

These would look perfect on my pretty pale mangled fingers.

icy. bold. organic. etsy.

Because i said punk rock.  it takes all kinds of brides.  I'd see you thru shining eyes til death.

With the Goblin King as Ring Bearer, you've made it thru the Labyrinth of my ♥.

This.  THIS.  with a black pearl.  a prize from a tongue, from a shell, from the bottom of the ocean.  And  I'm in love with a Cancer.  He's got me in his pinchers.

This came from my 1990's play list today.  Specifically Dramarama, Anything Anything.


I'll give you candy, give you diamonds, give you pills,
Give you anything you want, hundred dollar bills,
I'll even let you watch the shows you want to see,
Just marry me, marry me, marry me...

*pics from etsy livelyHood, Leviticus jewelry, Pamela Love




Remind me to talk more about this later.

Pajamas On.