I don't know how i'm doing it right now. I feel like i'm swaying between two worlds with my eyes half shut and deaf in one ear. images are blurred and like a kittens still blue baby eye, and some are sharp and harsh and burned into my head like starring into headlights on bright from the rear view mirror. sounds are through ear plugs standing in front of the speakers at the Bombshelter. some are tiny weak whispers from myself before i fall asleep. My mental illness has me so confused these past couple weeks. I'm going thru my first flu of the year. it's typical for me to get sick quite a bit every winter. since i was little. I keep getting hurt, mostly from a very physical job. so pains come and go, i get ill, i've always had headaches, and we can't forget the winter maladies.
I'm in a relationship that makes me very happy. "very happy" sounds so awful generic to describe it. it's everything i could ask for. i think that's why my brain is so confusing right now. The blessed place i am in with this love is taking my mind off my usual, still present pain. it's still there, there's no doubt, i feel like i'm ignoring the crazy. is that right? Am i so used to feeling fucked up that i think me being happy is bad for not dealing with the bad? is this ok? can the two exist? it's so new i don't know what i'm doing, if i'm doing it wrong.
my head is just at the surface, my eyes are above the water, but it's getting in my ears.