Oh baby, it's dark out there! but oh baby, it's dark in here...

I'm not about to pretend i understand it, but somehow, i am in a relationship.  with a boy.  my boyfriend.  a cool dude who has his shit together (relatively. we can't all be Danzig.)  actually enjoys my company.

After a large drink last night, i took some personal inventory and realized just how lucky i am that this man puts up with my "quirks".  Cuz if i were single, this is what i would have to offer:

- poor self image.  dudes love to hear that i am feeling puffy, fat, and look like a boy with no makeup.  I can't take a compliment, and will spend hours online comparing cosmetic surgery prices.  Does my butt look ok in these pants?  I wish my lips were bigger.  I'm awful.

- obsession with dogs/animals.  Aw look at my dog!  isn't she hilarious?!  You can't pet my cat cuz she bites.  Telling them about all the dogs i work with and how they have terrible owners who don't know what they're doing.  I would do it this way.... Asking them to go to the Humane Society with me.  Just to look.  Leave in tears.  Forcing dude to watch endangered squid documentaries.  "This is what's wrong with our society!  Look at how we treat animals!"  You have to vote on this to get puppy mills banned!  over and over and on and on...

- Can I paint yr toenails?

- I will not drive on highways.  NO.  I will NOT do it.  I'm scared.

- unhealthy relationship with Mommy.  I love Mommy!  I cannot answer Mothers calls today.  I miss my mom.  I can't DEAL with her!

- Diet of a child aka laziest/worst vegetarian ever.  Cheese pizza.  pasghettios.  candy!  macaroni.  cereal. candy!  vegetables are icky.  no onions.  I'm allergic to strawberries.  candy!  gatorade.  beer.  are there strawberries in this?  i think I'm swelling up.  popcorn.  candy!  tomatoes are yuck.  will you bring me starbursts?

- I'm clingy.

Nicky, yr a gem.  I don't know how you put up with me, but don't think i don't appreciate it.  I'm a lucky girl.  You deserve a medal.  or a degree in working with the mentally unstable.

Hello Kitty jammies on.

Falling out of sleep i hit the floor.

i am able to pass out anywhere.  i can fall asleep on command.  Christmas morning, at Mothers house, after going potty about 3am, i fell asleep washing my hands.  I rarely wash my hands.  i talk in my sleep, walk, smoke,  I've eaten.   i once got myself into a coma in my sleep and woke up the hospital.  terrible.  terror.  
The newest phase i am going thru is sitting up in my sleep and staying that way.
As if i am sitting up from a bad dream, but after i acknowledge that it was a dream, and i am relatively safe, i stay sitting up as i drift again.  Wake up a few hours later with a stiff neck wondering how i got that way.  how DID i get this way?  how did any of us get this way?  i have to get away.
I stay in my pajamas as long as i am able to.  i work overnights to allow me to stay jammied.  having no shame allows me to shop in my bathrobe, walk the dog in over sized Jesus and Mary Chain t shirts and hot pants.  Slippers and sweatpants to the bank?  no duh.
i keep a pillow in my car for spontaneous naps.  nap with me.  cuddle up.

the legend of the leg pillow.

i need to "let it all out" in the worst way.  thing is, i don't know where to.  i can't just scream in my apartment.  it's an apartment.  someone will call the cops.  and screaming into the pillow doesn't work.  i need the satisfaction of the sound, the shriek the wail howl cry.  the pillow.  that's one of my friends.  not about to yell at it.

you know, i can't even finish writing this.  i'm so tired of it all.  even my fingers are weak.

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