I feel my body getting weaker, I'm craving sunlight and I feel absolutely defeated. My moods and emotions are vanquished to the point that trying to make my face smile feels like rusty gears turning in my cheeks only to seize up midway. I am, in so many ways, frozen.
Anybody who wants to challenge that Seasonal Affective Disorder isn't real is my enemy. If I don't sit under my full spectrum light for at least an hour a day, or miss a med dose, I am more of a wreck than whats sitting before you now. And I am a sunken ship.
Between my S.A.D., my desperate longing for sleep and my already present mental instability, I really have no idea how I am able to survive , let alone function everyday. I guess it's autopilot. I'm present but not with it. My actions are emotionless and my emotions are forced. At the news of last weeks winter storm, I was able to cry and express my frustration and disappointment. I still had a whisper of feeling. At the news of today's storm, I went numb. I could tell that my brain wanted to react and it seemed that my body was looking to it's brain to know how to emote but we couldn't pull it together. I was drained empty all gone no more to give. Lackadaisical. That's a great word. That's the word for me. I am lackadaisical.
My genes gave me mental illness.
My job gave me a sleep disorder.
My hometown gave me a mood disorder.
Well, would you look at that? It almost looks like I can say "See? It's not my fault!" There are reasons that I am the empty shell left forgotten by it's molting insect. Just a cast of the girl I used to be. I would love so much if every few months I could shed off the old, worn out me, and start over new and fresh. I'd even happily settle for a reset button.
My train of thought is totally lost from falling asleep at the computer for an hour just now. I guess the only thing for me to do is finish this little nap and dream of long luxurious sleep in my favorite lawn chair on the beach under the hot hot sun for hours and hours. I would pay to have that back. I would pay big.
so many jammies and so little sleep.